Hassle free Holiday

This year, as you may have already guessed from my last post, was rather quiet.  I wasn't up for nearly as much energetic running around as my heart wanted me to be...and I turned most of the preparations over to the overly-excited Penguin and Bumblebee. 
They did an amazing job.  They planned and picked out the perfect gift for everyone (or so we hope...everyone seemed happy enough with their choices); they raided the wrapping stash and decorated each present with bows, ribbons and carefully chosen tags.  They created crafts to round things out, and give themselves the opportunity to give something "JUST" from them. 
We managed our annual gluten free baking experiment...a pastry crust, requested by Bumblebee, and although it wasn't what dh and I look for in a pastry crust, the kids were very happy with the resultant apple pie.  With french/dutch topping (brown sugar and cinnamon!)  We served Santa applesauce fritters (which dh was kind enough to fry up) and chocolate chip cookies. 
We skimped on the fun healthy foods, I'm afraid. 
Christmas Eve, we spent mostly at home.  My parents dropped by to drop off gifts; but we agreed to wait on opening most gifts until Christmas morning.  I just felt totally wiped out, it's hard to be social and nauseous at the same time. 
My kids were wonderful hosts, and eagerly stacked up the gifts to go; politely requesting that the "really important" ones get opened in front of them...and received the 'ooohs' and 'ahhs' that were due. 
After dark, we all bundled up and tumbled into the car to tour the highlighted Christmas light displays in our local vicinity.  We only went out for about 20 minutes, and only got out of the car once, but it was a nice way to settle in for the evening. 
The kids did stay up WAY too late.  I'm surprised Santa managed to come at all.  When I got up for a drink of water at midnight, Bumblebee startled me in the kitchen...convinced she was about to face the big guy himself! 
Somehow, though, he managed...because early Christmas morning, Penguin gently shook me awake and asked if it was time...and once she'd convinced Bumblebee and Mr. Violets to awaken as well, we slipped out to the living room to find our stockings filled with goodies, the cookies half eaten, and two brand new scooters.  Bumblebee examined hers to find it decorated with a fairy and a reference to her beloved WF.  (WF stands for Weird Fairies.  A comic strip she has created specifically to help counter the uber-popular Disney fairies.  She loves Tinkerbell...and hates that everyone else likes her to.  Bumblebee and her friends do NOT want to get lost in the crowd.)  "Santa is Awesome!" she declared. 
Of course, there followed the requisite first ride...still in pajamas!  :-)  And a few pictures for the scrapbook...although I'm not posting pj pics of my kids online.  Sorry. 
We had a very nice, laid back morning...although I did follow it with a nap...and managed to get to my in laws for a small gift exchange in the early afternoon.  Again, the kids were proud to distribute their chosen presents...and excited to hear that they'd made great choices. 
I slipped out and went back home for another nap soon after the last of the wrapping paper was stuffed into the recycle bin.  I'm not sure why I want to nap so much, but I sleep like the dead so I must be needing it. 
As I tucked the kids into bed that night, they were happy and smiley.  Although they did have one regret...Thank you notes might be a little more difficult this year, because instead of being focused on what they got from who, they were so excited about giving and worried about what their recipients thought of the wrapping and the present inside that they completely forgot to get wrapped up in the 'getting' part. 
Penguin felt that she was gifted some of the best toys EVER.  (And the amount of time she's spent actually playing with toys the past 2 days seems to support that theory)  But, she also confessed that she forgot to pay as much attention to who they were from. 
"Do you think there's something wrong with me?" she asked with a worried frown, "It's like I was more interested in giving than in what I was in getting." 
I told her that meant there was something very right. 

Missing the holiday spirit...

Last night, as I lay in bed trying to discern the reason I'm not quite into the holidays this year, it came to me.  Although, I've felt worse some years...and been mid diagnosis some years...I've fought hard to get out,  get baking, to grasp the little things and play them up.  This year, we have our gifts together and the tree up, the elf is finding new spots to hide, the kids are giddy with excitement...and yet the baking isn't even done yet.
Every time I think of it, the nausea is still too much.
And I feel down.  Really down.
As I lamented to my husband the lack of excitement, and that all I really want to do is curl up and enjoy the days with him and the girls, it occurred to me that my lack of social graces is mostly inspired by...shame.  After 10 years...I have a diagnosis.  I'm intolerant of or allergic to corn.  I have Celiac Disease.  And the two conditions have triggered multiple other identified intolerances.  I've just been treated for H pylori.
I should feel great, right?
I'm exhausted.  I'm sleeping more often than a 3 month old.  My abdominal region feels crushed, bruised.  I'm desperately trying to eat enough to keep the scale from dipping under 90 lbs.  And at my last dr appt, the dr flitted her eyes around the room, then shrugged and buried her nose in the notepad in front of her, not even writing...just tapping. 
That tapping, the not meeting my eyes, the little frown...the shrug and release to a dr I've never met who can't see me for a month...not reassuring.  There's a diagnosis missing. 

In the past, by Christmas, I've been optimistic.  I've thought I had the answers I needed, and believed I was on the mend.  I could answer questions positively and clearly, or simply evade them by pretending I wasn't that bad.  This year, I'm lighter than I've been in at least 5 years.  I can't stop bleeding, and I'm not buying perimenopause 'nothing to worry about, just be patient'.  The nausea and cramping are really bringing me down.  I'm not playing poor me...I'm trying to simply state the facts.
I'm also worried about my daughter who has developed trichotillomania, or the urge to pluck out her eyelashes methodically.  I know this is the right diagnosis, although so far my attempts to get her help have not really led anywhere other than "Tell her to stop!"  Which, of course, I've tried.  :P
While I love hanging out with family, and I would love to have a get together, or attend one, I've felt up to either for a full...oh, five?  Fifteen?  minutes at a time over the course of the past 3 months.  I'm really hesitant to make plans because of how bad it makes me feel to leave early or change my mind last minute.  I'm haunted by memories of discomfort and reactions.  I'm withdrawing from questions because I have no answers.  And I'm avoiding...because I'm finding that after years of this whole sick-at-the-last-minute business, even those I love are starting to think I'm choosing others first.  When the truth is, I'm embarrassed that I'm still sick, that my stomach is threatening (and I'm now aware that I'm the only one fighting to keep her digestion under control), that I don't have answers and am starting to give up finding any.
(I didn't say that I'm giving up.  I'm saying that I'm starting to give up hope of finding answers.  There's a huge difference, as I found myself trying to explain to my husband.)

In past years, I've daydreamed about hosting parties.  I've enjoyed getting together, if only for an hour, with loved ones and family.  I've told myself that this will happen, someday, when I'm better.
This year, I'm not so sure. 
My goals for the new year are to get the house clean again, to get food under control, to get help from the medical community.
Humble enterprises.
I thought by now I'd be farther in my journey.  It's hard to admit to myself that what I thought was the bigger picture is only a few puzzle pieces.  And I'm wondering if the missing diagnosis could possibly explain both the food reactions and the menstrual irregularities. 
I suppose you could say that I don't want to ruin anyone else's holiday with my own frustration and shrugged shoulders.  I'm disappointed that the answers gained over the past few years simply aren't quite good enough, and I'm ashamed of where my limitations have led me, and uncertain what lies ahead.
 So this year, while I'm thinking of family and friends...I'm going to be happy that they are celebrating.  I'm sending best wishes.  And I'm hoping that they understand why I'm playing the Christmas Card friend (which reminds me...I never did get Christmas cards mailed...make that a 'New Years card friend') instead of a hostess.  I'm going to focus on what I am up to instead of worrying about appearances and what I'm not up to. 
And I'm going to try really hard not to feel guilty about it.  It's the holidays, and even if I'm still climbing my way back up from my last reaction and the bout with H Pylori, and still seeking answers, I'm going to salvage what I can...even if it means sacrificing what I wish I were doing.  I'm going to enjoy Christmas, regardless of the social aspect...or lack thereof.  And in the new year, I will find healing, and strength.  And maybe we can get together 'just because', and celebrate friendships and family without the stress of holidays as an excuse. 
If there are other readers struggling to find missing pieces and feeling discouraged, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.  Let's band together online, and embrace our strengths...accept our weaknesses...and just enjoy the day. 
Happy Holidays. 

Santa, Please don't pass us by! (We have gluten free goodies)

It's Christmas Eve.  To me, this is the most magical time of the year. 

Tonight is the night of magic.  I treasure memories of candlelight services, and our new tradition of a Pajama Ride to help calm the kids before they need to curl up in bed (Although this year it was hard to convince them we needed to wait until dark before setting off.  The lights look better in the dark, and it's closer to bedtime.)  We were disappointed to see that our favorite house was toned down a lot.  I suppose after 10 years of awards, they deserve a rest! 

But I suppose the best part, at least for some of us, is the baking.  This year we attempted to resurrect one of my very favorite childhood memories and create a variety of treats.  (Quite the challenge when you're working with rice flour, oil, applesauce, and eggs.  With sugar.  And that's about it.)  But we managed.  And surprisingly, we even had a delicious surprise with the pinwheel cookies. 

Santa is going to be one happy man!  Although we have it on good authority that he has a few gluten free elves, which Mrs. Santa busily prepares allergy friendly goodies for.  We think these look good enough that he might, just might, slip a few in his pocket to bring home.  :-) 

After 4 years on the gluten free bandwagon, maybe I'm starting to get this thing down? 
Merry Christmas everyone! 

It's beginning to look a lot like...

After begging, pleading, beguiling, and wheedling, Ms, Bumblebee has gotten her wish.  We set up our Christmas tree, decorated it and have begun tucking little remembrances underneath of it.

I've been reading a lot about the evils of plastic, paint, and outdated chemicals (Not to mention the questionable current ones) lately,  So as we pulled out dusty boxes and started our decorating process, my thoughts slid from logistics and Christmas carols to lead paint and BPA.

I let my mind wander to the ongoing debate of a green Christmas.  Which is more environmentally friendly?  A fake tree, or a "real" pine tree?  When a living one just isn't feasible, anyways?

Most arguments seem to surround the length of usable time we get out of the average artificial tree.  I've seen estimates ranging from 3 to 10 years.  And since plastics take forever (yes, forever...I'm not hyperbolizing.)   to break down in landfills, often ending up in a huge plastic island in the middle of the ocean, the cost just doesn't seem worth the benefit.  However...it takes nearly as long for a tree to grow.  Even under the best of responsible farming practices. 

There are also allergies, bugs, sap, etc to contend with.  Not to mention potential pesticides and other treatments used on affordable trees.

My tree is artificial.  It's also not entirely plastic, and probably covered in lead based paint.  You see, it once belonged to my grandparents, circa the late 60's.  Well before I was born (and no, it's not glittery or pink.  It may have been crafted before technicolor trees were in vogue, I'm not actually sure.  The box itself disintegrated and the instructions have long since vanished.  But it's faux pine, intended to look realistic.)  When my parents moved, their lovely tall tree no longer fit in the living room.  They had to choose between cutting a hole in the ceiling, and replacing the Christmas tree. The ceiling won, their tree went to my Grandpa's church and my Grandma's old tree went into my parent's living room.  I have fond memories of helping my dad sort through multicolored branch tips as we spread everything out in the living room and crawled around trying to remember which color came first.  Eventually my parents tired of the stress, and we tried chopping our own, or shopping at a corner lot, but I still vividly remember "our" tree.

So when I had kids, and decided it was time for a full sized tree on a pint sized budget, I called up my parents and asked if they happened to still have the pieces in their garage.

"You don't want that old thing," they said.
But I did.

And now it just wouldn't be Christmas without a tangle of branches to ease into pre-drilled holes, a tumble of "fuzzies" to hide the wooden dowel trunk (Does anyone know how I can replace these?  We seem to lose a few every year)  and the kids teetering between "The tree, the tree!" and "I don't think it's going to work, Mommy..." and "It's looking right!  It's looking right!"

My tree is artificial.  Putting it up might be a hassle, and taking it down twice as bad, but in the end, it's our tradition.  We'll keep it in our garage, instead of the landfill, lead based paint and all.  We'll wash our hands, and avoid chewing on fake pine needles. If I were to stop using it, it would stop being "green" and end up in a landfill.

So we'll sit in front of the twinkling lights, letting our thoughts go.  And enjoy our "real" tree.

(And before anyone mentions it's bedraggled state, once it's decorated, I get plenty of comments on it looking real!)